She built my foundation, but in someway I crushed hers.

This week has been very emotional. Not that something happened, but the dreams I've been getting are all about my family memebers. The one that brought me up since I was born, the one that cared for me even when using the worse of words to express it, the one that though look so fierce on the surface in my impression but is actually such a loving lady. She brought me milk to cool me down at night when I got scared of the dark, she bought me Mac'Donald's breakfast even when she didn't know what the hell it was, and she even asked the counter lady what kids like to eat at Macs. I wasn't there, but the story goes on, cause' even others around me are touched by how much she gave for me.
I know she's vulgar, her generation is like that so I can't blame her, I acutally wanna thank her though * laughs *. And I know she doesn't know how to express her love in a better and tender way. She's been through a rough childhood, a rough life, but she gave me the best she could for my childhood. When I told her what happened to me after I went back to my parents' place, she said :
" Mei Mei, I'm so sorry. I wanted to protect you but I couldn't, cause' I thought you were able to take care of yourself since you looked so strong when you told me you wanted to go back to your parents. I wanted to take you back but I don't know how to say it. I'm sorry, so sorry. "

And then she started to tear a little. I never blamed her for not taking me back, but I want to thank her letting me go. Cause' if not, I would be as spoilt as what I was when I was a kid. Maybe I wouldn't be so screwed in the head, maybe alot of bad things wouldn't have happened, but if it didn't, I would never have realised how much she means to me. I would never realised how important her love for me is, never realised how much protection she gave me over the years.
Now I look back, at the time when I went to her house from school, I kneel at the front of the door and start crying. She asked me what's wrong, the only thing I said was " I'm sorry ". It was because I finally came to my senses and realise what I've done wrong in the past and I just felt so darn guilty that I have to do that to make me feel I've apologized to her. But even that can't cover that guilt I still have. Till this day, though she's still around, I feel so guilty that I never squeeze out the time to go and visit her. I had the time to slack, to play piano and guitar, though not enough sleep but I never got the time to see her. I feel freakin' guilty, seriously. I started feeling this way even more after watching " Old Cow ", a Singapore made film. One part when I saw the old man in a wheelchair, using as much energy as he could to try to speak to his son, while only speaking his name, but his son didn't give a damn. Just looking at the old man, I cried non-stop. Crystal was beside me and she tried to cool me down. I was just like, wow, I don't know, it was so amazingly weird.
Anyways, to end my post today I just wanna say that I really love her, I really wanna cherish my grandma and I really hope she can feel my love for her. I'll be praying for her to regain more of her memory and for my aunt to treat her well too. God bless her. :)