It's been quite a long time since I even thought about that feeling. One, cause' I'm caught up with my exams, and two, I seriously have better things to do. Even if it's jamming with Abraham, or chatting with Kurt and Sam or even just playing my piano on my own, I rather do anything else in the world than remind myself about how pathetic I am. Yeah, I know I shouldn't think that way, but tell me specifically, how do you not think about it when everything in your face is telling you how pathetic you are? I would like to know that, seriously, I do. Not that I'm always emo and sad, and not that I'm the only one, I just choose to show my emotions cause' I know I'll be a bigger impact if I held it in. So I chose to stay like this, I'm moving on too, but I just can't let go of what happened before.
Try throwing your heart from the rooftop over and over again, till the heart's all dry up and has no blood at all. That's me right now, and even with that kind of hardness in me, I'm still afraid to let go, still afraid to get hurt once more, even if it's just the slightest little boo-boo on my finger. Call me weak, whatever, only those who have gone through this know how it feels, not only those who gone through it, but those who had mindsets related to mine. Try putting yourself in my shoes. Some just tell me that they know me, well you don't, none of you do. Cause' when I put myself to trust you, you disappoint me, so what's the use?
Out of the topic? Nope, just getting started. Hard to say aye? What is hard to say? How much I love you or how much I hate you? Hmmm.. Hate's a really strong word to use, let's just say how much I wish I had no emotions for that side of life. Sometimes, it's better not to know how is feels than knowing it. Both has it's pros and cons but in this case, I rather stay at home and rot than falling in love again. It's like a instant weapon that can just kill me at one shot, cause' that's how much I trusted love, that's how much I could have gave back, but no. Each one of them made me feel pathetic, no matter if it's facebook or MSN quotes, seriously, think I'm not looking? I'll be watching, I'll be reading, cause' only God can allow those few names to appear first every time on my facebook homepage. Now, I just think it's bullshit. And that impression will stay there for a long time. As if its for now, not the time, and never will be. I'll just stay like that. Really, disappointment fills up my that side of life. No smiles, no nothing. I think only some were actually with me to witness how weak I was during that time. Some used that as an advantage to stab me harder. Well, this is all I can say. fuck you.
Monday, 27 September 2010
Saturday, 18 September 2010
To my dearest E506 family (:
To those who have no idea who and what I'm talking about, E506 is my cellgroup and the friends I hang out with when I go to church. That's just a simple biography and introduction. In this blog post, I'll go into deeper details why I love them so much. ;DDD
Friends from my primary school see me grow up with a big smile, but only a few see me fall to the ground crying my ass off. Well, some told me they have no idea how to help me, but in this year's Easter Day, I found myself a solution no one has thought of. I joined City Harvest church that April and I found myself a new loving and caring home. I never thought I could trust anyone as much as I could, until I met them. Like Jasmine said yesterday during cellgroup, no matter how bad or dark the world is out there, cellgroup and church is the only place I could go to and hide. Cause' there's where I found love, besides my own home. Sometimes, even my own home doesn't have that kind of love they have. I've always envied others who have great parents and siblings, well, now I don't have to. (:
And it's just about them giving me, I want to give more to them. They made me laugh the loudest, they were there when I cried, they understood and encourage me, tell me to not give up and they'll be there for me, and they did. They told me God will always be there for me, and they'll do too. That I believe. Usually peopel tell me that they'll do that and I'm like " Really? " but them, wow, all I can say is that, they proved my mind wrong, and I'm glad they did. Like Lorraine, my dearest connect group leader, she blessed me with so much, though it's food but she doesn't just use her money anyhow. I feel so blessed, I just don't know how to explain it. But I feel bad cause' I never got to bless her, but I will, soon. Very very soon. (: Not forgetting the ones that dragged me to church on Easter Day, Eastella and Crystal. Crystal is my growing-up big sister and she is the one that taught me to be tough, to not get bullied and also, the one that shared my pain with me from a young age. We hugged and cried together, laughed with tears of joy together and go crazy over our B2ST oppas together. (: I really do cherish her, just like Eastella. She may look like a happy jumpy girl but she has a broken down side too. And it was amazing how she actually could connect with me so closely cause' we think the same way. I'll never forget the times we spent talking about our problems and laughing about each other's stories and I really appreciate what you've done for me too. (: And also, Jasmine! Our dearest cellgroup leader, she is the bubbly flower that always shines so brightly that just makes everyone smile. Her jumpy and happy personality brought out that bubbly girl I was before I became all "emo" and "death-seeking". She said before that I'm a cheerful and sweet girl, well in actual fact, I'm not. Emo and sad has become my personality, but it doesn't mean I can't change it. I will change it, and it's starting to happen. The cellgroup changed me, the church changed me, God changed me and it's an incredible journey with them. It's been less than 6 months since I joined church but the transformation in me, in my thinking, it's so weird. But really, I'm very grateful and I thank God that I get to meet them and get to know them.
Lastly, to those whom I never mention, I DIDN'T FORGET YOU! I'll never forget how I sang with WanYing and how I met her at Campus Superstar, I'll never forget how Rovson and I could talk and make fun about annoying Orange, I mean hey, he's the Apple and I'm the Orange okay? And I won't forget how Alvin can make me laugh like some crazy person with just his awkward noises, I won't forget how I first heard Rayner sing and first saw Bryan dance. Wow, I remembered just opened my mouth wide and thought I'm so lucky to be around with such talented people. Not only that, I won't forget the first time I talked to Amelia about her problems, I won't forget how I talked to Winnie about my problems, I won't forget how I first talked to JingHui about the saxophone we play and how I first talked to YuanTing in my elmo voice. (: I won't forget how Alicia, Dennis and gang always makes the loudest noises but always make us laugh the loudest, I won't forget how YongHe encouraged me to go on with my music dream, I won't forget how YongZhou talked about him serving the president at some event and how happy he was, I won't forget I talked to Angela about my stuff and how she talked a little about hers yesterday, I won't forget how SiYi is just always so sweet and loving, I won't forget how Lester ties only one side of his hair, I won't forget how ZhenTing always " walao eh" at me and I said it back and we start acting like we're gonna have a fight or something *laughs*, I won't forget how Limei is so sweet and cute is and how she is so cute together with her boy and lastly, I will never ever forget what you guys did for me, how you guys made me grow and lastly, how oyu guys taught me to love. Thank you so much and I love you guys! ;DDDD
Friends from my primary school see me grow up with a big smile, but only a few see me fall to the ground crying my ass off. Well, some told me they have no idea how to help me, but in this year's Easter Day, I found myself a solution no one has thought of. I joined City Harvest church that April and I found myself a new loving and caring home. I never thought I could trust anyone as much as I could, until I met them. Like Jasmine said yesterday during cellgroup, no matter how bad or dark the world is out there, cellgroup and church is the only place I could go to and hide. Cause' there's where I found love, besides my own home. Sometimes, even my own home doesn't have that kind of love they have. I've always envied others who have great parents and siblings, well, now I don't have to. (:
And it's just about them giving me, I want to give more to them. They made me laugh the loudest, they were there when I cried, they understood and encourage me, tell me to not give up and they'll be there for me, and they did. They told me God will always be there for me, and they'll do too. That I believe. Usually peopel tell me that they'll do that and I'm like " Really? " but them, wow, all I can say is that, they proved my mind wrong, and I'm glad they did. Like Lorraine, my dearest connect group leader, she blessed me with so much, though it's food but she doesn't just use her money anyhow. I feel so blessed, I just don't know how to explain it. But I feel bad cause' I never got to bless her, but I will, soon. Very very soon. (: Not forgetting the ones that dragged me to church on Easter Day, Eastella and Crystal. Crystal is my growing-up big sister and she is the one that taught me to be tough, to not get bullied and also, the one that shared my pain with me from a young age. We hugged and cried together, laughed with tears of joy together and go crazy over our B2ST oppas together. (: I really do cherish her, just like Eastella. She may look like a happy jumpy girl but she has a broken down side too. And it was amazing how she actually could connect with me so closely cause' we think the same way. I'll never forget the times we spent talking about our problems and laughing about each other's stories and I really appreciate what you've done for me too. (: And also, Jasmine! Our dearest cellgroup leader, she is the bubbly flower that always shines so brightly that just makes everyone smile. Her jumpy and happy personality brought out that bubbly girl I was before I became all "emo" and "death-seeking". She said before that I'm a cheerful and sweet girl, well in actual fact, I'm not. Emo and sad has become my personality, but it doesn't mean I can't change it. I will change it, and it's starting to happen. The cellgroup changed me, the church changed me, God changed me and it's an incredible journey with them. It's been less than 6 months since I joined church but the transformation in me, in my thinking, it's so weird. But really, I'm very grateful and I thank God that I get to meet them and get to know them.
Lastly, to those whom I never mention, I DIDN'T FORGET YOU! I'll never forget how I sang with WanYing and how I met her at Campus Superstar, I'll never forget how Rovson and I could talk and make fun about annoying Orange, I mean hey, he's the Apple and I'm the Orange okay? And I won't forget how Alvin can make me laugh like some crazy person with just his awkward noises, I won't forget how I first heard Rayner sing and first saw Bryan dance. Wow, I remembered just opened my mouth wide and thought I'm so lucky to be around with such talented people. Not only that, I won't forget the first time I talked to Amelia about her problems, I won't forget how I talked to Winnie about my problems, I won't forget how I first talked to JingHui about the saxophone we play and how I first talked to YuanTing in my elmo voice. (: I won't forget how Alicia, Dennis and gang always makes the loudest noises but always make us laugh the loudest, I won't forget how YongHe encouraged me to go on with my music dream, I won't forget how YongZhou talked about him serving the president at some event and how happy he was, I won't forget I talked to Angela about my stuff and how she talked a little about hers yesterday, I won't forget how SiYi is just always so sweet and loving, I won't forget how Lester ties only one side of his hair, I won't forget how ZhenTing always " walao eh" at me and I said it back and we start acting like we're gonna have a fight or something *laughs*, I won't forget how Limei is so sweet and cute is and how she is so cute together with her boy and lastly, I will never ever forget what you guys did for me, how you guys made me grow and lastly, how oyu guys taught me to love. Thank you so much and I love you guys! ;DDDD
Sunday, 5 September 2010
Believe; or not believe?
"Don't blame me if I can't do it, cause' scars do take years to heal."
Yes. I'm back. When the first sentence, you should have a rough idea on what I wanna talk about. I'm very sure some of my friends have the same feelings as me, and this will happen after you're hurt and thrown away really bad and your brain has turned off towards trust. So lets be really realistic here, what do you feel towards this sentence " I'll always be by you. " ? Do you believe it? Well if you do, I won't say that you're naive but I'll just envy you. Cause' you can still actually believe in something like that. I've finally understand the meaning of " it's better to not know the truth, cause' after knowing it, you wouldn't want to know about it at all. " Before understanding this, I never ever thought of any bad knowing the truth, cause' I had to face it. Yes and I agree, I have to face it, but it's easier said than done. Knowing that there are so many lies behind you, just drags you in, swallows you into this dark world with these horrible thoughts. Sometimes, the thoughts may even turn into reality. That's why there's so many disgusting murder cases around. Lies may be just lies, but words do hurt.
People don't realise that their actions, very tiny little ones, can actually be seen and sensed by the people around you. The exact example happened on Friday, and I can see from the way this person reacted. One reason why I let go. How nice. So yeah, no more elaboration, just felt like posting this, cause' I find people nowadays like to say things or promise things when they can't. And so yeah, it's hard for me to really trust anybody. But maybe in time, I'll come by somehow, I mean, my mind. Now, my mind is just telling me, " If you want more silent cries, go on falling into their trap. "
Yes. I'm back. When the first sentence, you should have a rough idea on what I wanna talk about. I'm very sure some of my friends have the same feelings as me, and this will happen after you're hurt and thrown away really bad and your brain has turned off towards trust. So lets be really realistic here, what do you feel towards this sentence " I'll always be by you. " ? Do you believe it? Well if you do, I won't say that you're naive but I'll just envy you. Cause' you can still actually believe in something like that. I've finally understand the meaning of " it's better to not know the truth, cause' after knowing it, you wouldn't want to know about it at all. " Before understanding this, I never ever thought of any bad knowing the truth, cause' I had to face it. Yes and I agree, I have to face it, but it's easier said than done. Knowing that there are so many lies behind you, just drags you in, swallows you into this dark world with these horrible thoughts. Sometimes, the thoughts may even turn into reality. That's why there's so many disgusting murder cases around. Lies may be just lies, but words do hurt.
People don't realise that their actions, very tiny little ones, can actually be seen and sensed by the people around you. The exact example happened on Friday, and I can see from the way this person reacted. One reason why I let go. How nice. So yeah, no more elaboration, just felt like posting this, cause' I find people nowadays like to say things or promise things when they can't. And so yeah, it's hard for me to really trust anybody. But maybe in time, I'll come by somehow, I mean, my mind. Now, my mind is just telling me, " If you want more silent cries, go on falling into their trap. "
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