Hard to say; Harder to let go

It's been quite a long time since I even thought about that feeling. One, cause' I'm caught up with my exams, and two, I seriously have better things to do. Even if it's jamming with Abraham, or chatting with Kurt and Sam or even just playing my piano on my own, I rather do anything else in the world than remind myself about how pathetic I am. Yeah, I know I shouldn't think that way, but tell me specifically, how do you not think about it when everything in your face is telling you how pathetic you are? I would like to know that, seriously, I do. Not that I'm always emo and sad, and not that I'm the only one, I just choose to show my emotions cause' I know I'll be a bigger impact if I held it in. So I chose to stay like this, I'm moving on too, but I just can't let go of what happened before.
Try throwing your heart from the rooftop over and over again, till the heart's all dry up and has no blood at all. That's me right now, and even with that kind of hardness in me, I'm still afraid to let go, still afraid to get hurt once more, even if it's just the slightest little boo-boo on my finger. Call me weak, whatever, only those who have gone through this know how it feels, not only those who gone through it, but those who had mindsets related to mine. Try putting yourself in my shoes. Some just tell me that they know me, well you don't, none of you do. Cause' when I put myself to trust you, you disappoint me, so what's the use?
Out of the topic? Nope, just getting started. Hard to say aye? What is hard to say? How much I love you or how much I hate you? Hmmm.. Hate's a really strong word to use, let's just say how much I wish I had no emotions for that side of life. Sometimes, it's better not to know how is feels than knowing it. Both has it's pros and cons but in this case, I rather stay at home and rot than falling in love again. It's like a instant weapon that can just kill me at one shot, cause' that's how much I trusted love, that's how much I could have gave back, but no. Each one of them made me feel pathetic, no matter if it's facebook or MSN quotes, seriously, think I'm not looking? I'll be watching, I'll be reading, cause' only God can allow those few names to appear first every time on my facebook homepage. Now, I just think it's bullshit. And that impression will stay there for a long time. As if its for now, not the time, and never will be. I'll just stay like that. Really, disappointment fills up my that side of life. No smiles, no nothing. I think only some were actually with me to witness how weak I was during that time. Some used that as an advantage to stab me harder. Well, this is all I can say. fuck you.